1. I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day.
Tomorrow is not looking good either.
2. I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as
they go flying by.
3. Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
4. Accept that some days you are the pigeon and some days the statue.
5. Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the
first time, chances are you won't be needing him again.
6. I don't have an attitude problem, you have a perception problem.
7. Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky, and I
thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling
8. My reality check bounced.
9. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
10.I don't suffer from stress. I am a carrier.
11.You are slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut
butter.
12.Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, because you are crunchy and
taste good with ketchup.
13.Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
14.Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level, then
beat you with experience.
15.A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.
16.Don't be irreplaceable - if you can't be replaced, you can't be
promoted.
17.After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the
month than you did before.
18.The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
19.You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a
clipboard.
20.Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse
will happen to you the rest of the day.
21.If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
23.When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
24.Following the rules will not get the job done.
25.When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more easily
by reducing it to the question, " How would the Lone Ranger handle
this?"

For #12, BBQ sauce is better.

Whisper ... thx for the giggle ... I really needed that ... :)