Resume Bloopers

How bad a mistake can you make on your resume? Here are some real-life
examples:

My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels, and my ability
to complete projects on time is unspeakable.

Education: Curses in liberal arts, curses in computer science, curses
in accounting.

Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store.

Personal: Married, 1992 Chevrolet.

I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse.

I am a rabid typist.

Created a new market for pigs by processing, advertising and selling a
gourmet pig mail order service on the side.

Exposure to German for two years, but many words are not appropriate
for business.

Proven ability to track down and correct erors.

Personal interests: Donating blood. 15 gallons so far.

I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely nothing and
absolutely no one.

References: None, I've left a path of destruction behind me.

Strengths: Ability to meet deadlines while maintaining composer.

Don't take the comments of my former employer too seriously, they were
unappreciative beggars and slave drivers.

My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in
meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.

I procrastinate -- especially when the task is unpleasant.

I am loyal to my employer at all costs... Please feel free to respond
to my resume on my office voicemail.

Qualifications: No education or experience.

Disposed of $2.5 billion in assets.

Accomplishments: Oversight of entire department.

Extensive background in accounting. I can also stand on my head!

And at the bottom of a cover letter: Thank you for your consideration.
Hope to hear from you shorty!

Cute!