Colonel Sanders
There's no reason to be the richest man in the cemetery. You can't do any business from there.

Roseanne Barr
Experts say you should never hit your children in anger. When is a good time? When you're feeling festive?

W.C. Fields
I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.

Milton Berle
They've finally come up with the perfect office computer. If it makes a mistake, it blames another computer.

George Gobal
If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.

Groucho Marx
I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.

Voltaire
It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong.

Oscar Wilde
By persistently remaining single a man converts himself into a permanent public temptation.

Ellen DeGeneres
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is.

Tommy Cooper
You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'


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"The problem with going about with an open mind is that people keep trying to put things in it" - Terry Pratchett

"I understand the inventor of the bagpipes was inspired when he saw a man carrying an indignant, asthmatic pig under his arm. Unfortunately, the manmade sound never equalled the purity of the sound achieved by the pig." - Alfred Hitchcock

"I'm in no condition to drive...wait! I shouldn't listen to myself, I'm drunk!" -Homer J. Simpson


"Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe." - Albert Einstein

"People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don't realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world,"
- Calvin, Calvin & Hobbes

"Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain." - Lily Tomlin