In a family still working through custody and visitation issues, as well as trying as hard as possible to have some semblance of structure and trust, deaths can cause some very difficult issues to deal with...

Sadly, we have had 2 people pass away in our family within the last 2 months. Both family members were actually my x-husbands family members by blood, but I was very close to them, as were my two boys.
Their Great Grandmother passed away February 21st. We had known Grandma was sick and luckily were able to have a wonderful last visit with her 4 days before her death. We were able to say goodbye and the boys, although deeply saddened by their great grandmothers death, understood that she had lived a long and happy life and were able to deal with her passing. The three of us went together to the funeral. We paid our respects, and my 9 year old, who at the previous visit had promised Grandma that he would play his violin for her the next time we came over, played at her gravesite, as he has promised. That was his closure. My older son, who is 12 had a harder time. He is very emotional, and had many questions about death. He asked me if she knew that she was dying as she took her last breath. If she was hurting, If she was sad. Very difficult questions to answer, but i did my best and reassured him that Grandma was not sad and she had not hurt as she passed.

Then, this past Sunday, which is usually visitation day for the boys with their father, just as we were getting ready to go meet him, i got a phone call... "i can't get the boys today. There's been a family emergency. Gil died." My x is one of 7 boys. Of the 7, I was closest to his brother Gil, until my x started telling him lies after our divorce and then he refused to even talk to me. Nevertheless, i still loved Gil as a brother, and his passing has hurt me. My sons, at first were just upset that visitation had been canceled. Then, i said there had been a family emergency and it wasn't their dad's fault. My nine year old said, " how many family emergencies are there gonna be? what happened? did somebody else die?" At this, i started to cry and just shook my head yes. He asked, "was it papa?" "no..." "was it Grandma?" "no..." "was is uncle Gil?" "yah baby... uncle Gil died." to this answer he was silent... he sat down and started playing a video game. My older son said nothing, but walked away into his room and laid down on his bed.
I went in to console him as best i could. It's so much more difficult to explain the death of someone young, who hasn't had a chance to live their life through to old age. That night, as I was tucking my 12 year old in to bed and saying goodnight, he asked if he could please sleep with me. He said he was scared that something was going to happen to me too, and he just wanted to be close to me. He hasn't slept with me since he was about 6. I said just for tonight, and let him go lay in my bed. We talked a little and i hope that i helped him understand a little more. We never know when someone is going to die, and although we are sad when they are gone, they have no more pain, no more sadness, no more of anything bad.
Then the dilemma started. The thing which has prompted me to write all this down...
Gil hasn't had his funeral yet, but I have been told I am not welcome. Due to lies and hatred on the part of my x and his girlfriend, his wife doesn't want me there. My older son has asked me to go. He said he needs me and doesn't want to go with his dad and his girlfriend. I won't go because i don't want there to be any issues to tarnish Gil's memory. I can pay my respects on my own time. My nine year old has said he doesn't want to go at all. He said he doesn't like funerals, having so recently been to Grandma's.
My problem is, I think that my older son should go if he wants to, but i won't be there to help him through his feelings. I know that his father will not be able to be there for him emotionally. He isn't an overly emotional person to begin with, and he will be tied up in his own grief. He will have his girlfriend there to comfort him, but My son will most likely be left alone to deal with his feelings by himself.

What should i do? i don't want to keep him from going to his uncle's funeral, but at the same time, i want to be sure that SOMEONE will be there to support him.

Has anyone ever had a dilemma like this?