Q. Should I have a baby after 35?
A. No, 35 children is enough.

Q. When will my baby move?
A. With any luck, right after he finishes high school.

Q. How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
A. If it's the flu, you'll get better.

Q. Since I became pregnant, my breasts, rear-end, and even my feet have
grown. Is there anything that gets smaller during pregnancy?
A. Yes, your bladder.

Q. What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A. For men to be the ones who get pregnant.

Q. What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A. Childbirth.

Q. The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
A. 'Cause you're fatter than they are.

Q. My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's
borderline irrational.
A. So what's your question?

Q. What's the difference between a nine-month pregnant woman and a
model?
A. Nothing, if the pregnant woman's husband knows what's good for him.

Q. How long is the average woman in labor?
A. Whatever she says, divided by two.

Q. My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor,
but pressure. Is she right?
A. Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q. When is the best time to get an epidural?
A. Right after you find out you're pregnant.

Q. Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife
is in labor?
A. Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

Q. What does it mean when the baby's head is crowning?
A. It means you feel as though not only a crown but the entire throne is
trying to make its way out of you.

Q. Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A. Yes, pregnancy.

Q. Does pregnancy cause hemorrhoids?
A. Pregnancy causes anything you want to blame it for.

Q. Where is the best place to store breast milk?
A. In your breasts.

Q. Is there a safe alternative to breast pumps?
A. Yes, baby lips.

Q. What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth?
A. It means that the baby's mother may want to rethink her plans to
nurse.

Q. How does one sanitize nipples?
A. Bathe daily and wear a clean bra. It beats boiling them in a
saucepan.

Q. What are the terrible twos?
A. Your breasts after baby stops nursing cold turkey.

Q. What is the best time to wean the baby from nursing?
A. When you see teeth marks.

Q. Do I have to have a baby shower?
A. Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

Q. Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act
normal again?
A. When the kids are in college.

A man took his pregnant wife to the hospital to give birth. The doctor
told them that they'd developed a new machine and asked if the couple
would like to try it out. The machine could take some of the pain of
childbirth from the mother and give it to the father to ease the
mother's burden.Well, they thought that was a good idea, and decided to
give it a try. The doctor initially set the machine on 10 percent,
telling the man that even 10 percent was probably more pain than he'd
ever experienced. But the husband was surprised at how little pain he
was feeling, and asked the doctor to raise the level.The doctor
increased it to 20 percent, and when the man still felt fine, he raised
it to 50 and finally 100 percent.After it was all over, the man stood
up, and stretched a little. Both he and his wife felt fine, and they
shortly left the hospital to take the baby home.It was then that they
found the mailman dead on their doorstep.



"How does Janice like being pregnant?" Bob asked his friend John. "Oh,
she's not pregnant," John replied, "she's expecting." "What's the
difference?" Bob pressed. "Well, John explained, "She's expecting me to
cook dinner, she's expecting me to do the housework, she's expecting me
to rub her feet . . ."



and this one is for all the 2nd and 3rd time mommies

The Evolution Of Mom

Yes, parenthood changes everything. But parenthood also changes with
each baby. Here, some of the ways having a second and third child
differs from having your first:

Your Clothes
1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN
confirms your pregnancy.
2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.

The Baby's Name
1st baby: You pore over baby-name books and practice pronouncing and
writing combinations of all your favorites.
2nd baby: Someone has to name his or her kid after your great-aunt
Mavis, right? It might as well be you.
3rd baby: You open a name book, close your eyes, and see where your
finger points.

Preparing for the Birth
1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.
2nd baby: You don't bother practicing because you remember that last
time, breathing didn't do a thing.
3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your 8th month.

The Layette
1st baby: You pre-wash your newborn's clothes, color coordinate them,
and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.
2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard
only the ones with the darkest stains.
3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?

Worries
1st baby: At the first sign of distress--a whimper, a frown--you pick up
the baby.
2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your
firstborn.
3rd baby: You teach your 3-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.

Activities
1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby
Story Hour.
2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.
3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.

Going Out
1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call
home 5 times.
2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a
number where you can be reached.
3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees
blood.

At Home
1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.
2nd baby: You spend a bit of every day watching to be sure your older
child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.
3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.


THIS Made me laugh so I had to Share.

LOL

OMG

Wifey you know I will be by your side

through all this...

and you will still be freaking hotttt once you get fat...LOL

I was on the florr laughing so hard thanx for the memories

I must have skiped kid one and gone straight to 2 and 3

OMG-way to funny and true!

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, that is so funny!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I could add what happens when you get the FOURTH...LOL!!!

Too cute!!!

Thanks for the laugh!!! I needed it!!!

LOL,,,

I could also enlighten you on what the Fourth one Will and can do...

Lets just say Duct Tape and Perm. Markers should not be
in reach of Children

This made me laugh , especially the Q. and A. about child born with
teeth and rethinking breast feeding---my oldest was born with 2 teeth
and I said no way to breast feeding!

Yeah....My Fav Is;
Q. Should I have a baby after 35?
A. No, 35 children is enough.