THINGS I HAVE LEARNED FROM THE MOVIES

1. Large, loft-style apartments in New York City are well within the price range of most people--whether they are employed or not.

2. At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil.

3. Should you decide to defuse a bomb, don't worry which wire to cut. You will always choose the right one.

4. Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the
communications system of any invading alien society.

5. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts: your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

6. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your bedroom will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.

7. If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to become a world expert on nuclear fission at the age of 22.

8. Honest and hard working policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement.

9. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gasses, lasers, and man-eating sharks, which will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.

10. All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets that reach the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.

11. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.

12. It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.

13. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off--even while scuba diving.

14. You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

15. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German or Russian officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German or Russian accent will do.

16. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.

17. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating, but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

18. If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.

19. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.

20. Word processors never display a cursor on screen but will always say: Enter Password Now.

21. Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is
necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.

22. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.

23. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

24. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you meet will know all the steps.

25. Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.

26. When they are alone, all foreign military officers prefer to speak to each other in English.


Got any more?

If someone has important information to reveal to you about the bad guys, get them to do it on the phone because if you arrange to meet them, they will always turn up dead.

Butlers are not to be trusted.

no matter what a lead bullet hits it makes a spark
you can blow up a vehicle by shooting it.

It's amazing how quickly you can hack into the pentagon while a gun is pointed to your head and you're getting a blow job.

When on a late night stake out, or doing research....always have chinese take out in a little white box. And always use chopsticks.

If you are being chased by a psycho killer, you will lose your keys. Once you find them...they won't start your car.

In the middle of the desert, bullets will still ricochet. And echo.

Cars have the magical ability to squeal their tires on dirt.

When a woman is being chased, she must always fall down at some point.

When ANYONE is being chased, they must always find the highest point around to run to (tops of buildings, etc.).

The dorky "nice guy", always ends up with the cool, pretty chick.

...only in the movies.

The Brit or the smoker is always the baddie

This thread is the work of genius, Jeanniebean

Love this thread!

More please...

I thought of that too, you beat me to it.



Don't they plan ahead? What do they plan to do when they get to the top of the tall building? Jump off or push the other guy?

Yep.

Another thing, if everyone wants the hero to push the guy off the building, the bad guy will trip. The good guy will try to save him.... but will fail most of the time.

Then he will feel bad about it.

At some point in movie history, the evil guy started wearing white and being polite and the hero started wearing black and being rude.

So if he is too polite... he's the bad guy.

If he is sexy and rude, he's the hero.

After you solve the crime and nail the murderer... never ever turn your back on him. He has a hidden gun or knife somewhere on his person.

But not to worry, you will either get the pleasure of shooting him, or your partner will do it, saving your life.

MONSTER MOVIES:

After irradiating the monster, look for eggs.

In all monster movies a screaming female will eventually have to be rescued.

Also, in all monster movies, the head jerk or asshole will be eaten, or swallowed whole before a crowd of astonished witnesses.

VAMPIRES:

When hunting for vampires, rest assured that one of your friends in the vampire hunting party has been bitten. ..

ALSO: The head vampire is much more difficult to kill than normal run of the mill stick-them-with-a-wooden-stake vampires.

Zombies:

When hiding in a house from a town of zombies, one of the people in the house has been bitten.

Most average zombies move slow and can be good target practice.
Aim for the head.

From the movies, we learn who not to trust.

1. Old friends of good friends who are way too friendly.
2. Politicians.
3. Butlers
4. Police commissioners.
5. Small southern town pot bellied sheriffs.
6. Your husband
7. Your wife
8. Your old army buddy.
9. The F.B.I.
10. the C.I.A.
12. The government
13. The right hand adviser to the President.
15. And definitely don't trust the nanny or the baby sitter.
16. Mad scientists.

When trapped in a barn or basement, surrounded by: (any of the following:)

Vicious mad dogs
gremlins
man eating worms
man eating prehistoric worm offspring
rolling fur balls that eat people
robots trained to kill
birds
spiders
aliens
vampires

and etc.

One person will volunteer to go for help.

Another person will object, but he or she will go anyway.

Most town festivals and celebrations will be threatened by:

A man eating great white shark,
A giant squid
A giant alligator.
A giant man eating bear
A vengeful man eating killer whale
A mythical or prehistoric man eating monster
A dangerous man eating science experiment gone bad having escaped from the lab.


..And the town mayor will refuse to cancel the celebration until after a sufficient amount of carnage has happened.