Do you remember Middle School/ Junior High/ High School?
If so, do you remember talking about the 'Bases' with your friends.
(Yeah man, at the dance, Vinny and Amy went behind the gym and they got
to Second Base!")

Well, that was cool and all, but what the hell was 2nd Base? Tongue
Kissing? Up the shirt? No one was really sure. Also, the bases tended to
get progressively more intense as you got older. What's a person to do?
Here we mourn the passing of traditional baseball anologies to describe
sexual activity. Let's face it, there are more than four stages in
todays day and age of sex play. So, in the interest of both bringing
baseball sex metaphores in line with the complications of modern romance
and standardizing the bases themselves, I present the,

NEWLY ADVISED GUIDE TO THE BASES.

First, let's examine what the Bases could have meant in the old days:

First Base - This was almost always KISSING, although one guy I know
thought it meant holding hands. sometimes it was tongue kissing,
sometimes not.

Second Base- This meant, either Tongue Kissing, Breast Feeling, or
outside the clothing Genital Contact.

Third Base- Usually, this was a hand down the pants of you or your
partner.

Home Run- This was ALWAYS SEX, although, it was rarely reached in the
times when you had to refer to it in terms of Bases, and if it was
EVERYONE knew!


Well, that system is ok, if you are a young teenager with a repressed
sex drive. But, what happens when you reach maturity, and new factors
enter the equation, such as oral sex (a.k.a the sloppy triple)? And what
about the definitions? Well, I have attempted to answer such puzzling
questions. And present without further ado:

THE NEWLY REVISED GUIDE TO THE BASES

On Deck- Having plans for a dare.
Strike Out- Duh?!
Walk- Kissing
Bunt- Masturbation
Single- Tongue Kissing
Double- Breasts/Chest touched, some clothes off. Lots of
grabbing and feels
Triple- Most of the clothes off, genital contact, mutual
masturbation
Inside the Park Home Run- Oral Sex
Home Run- SEX
Ground Rule Double- Would have sex, but no condom
Error- Condom breaks during sex
Banned for Life for Gambling- Sex without condom
Hall of Fame- Marriage

Now that we've got the basics, let's introduce some terms to better
explain all the things that happen nowadays.

Balk- Premature Ejaculation
Pine Tar- KY Jelly
Relief Pitcher- Vibrator
Rain Delay- Parents/Roommate returns unexpectedly
Box Seats- Water Bed
Seventh Inning Stretch- Unusual positions
Dead Ball- Blue balls/Passion cramps
Florida Snow- Cocaine (I know you don't get it...tough)
Rookie- Virgin
Minor League- Under 18
Loaded Bases- Manage a trois
Grand Slam- Sex 3 times in 12 hours
Foul Tip- Venereal Disease
3 up 3 down- Impotency
"ALL YOU"- Make the first move
Betting Glove- Sexual Aid

Now that we have the definitions, let's quickly contrast the old
confusion with our current clarity.


OLD WAY- We um got to third base, and then we um got like past third
base, but not to home plate. I really liked her.
NEW WAY- First there was a triple, then we got an Inside the Park Home
Run, and started thinking, It's Hall of Fame time.
NEW WAY- So there I was with the Bases loaded, and nobody out, when I
Balked during the Seventh Inning Stretch and I had to call in a Relief
Pitcher.

Relief pitcher ....omg..