Here's a few gags for the Weekend.


Did you hear about the guy who drowned in a bowl of museli?

He was pulled under by a strong currant.


Scientists have just developed a new male contraceptive.
You take it the morning after and it changes your blood group.


Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up in the morning?
'Cos they don't have a pair of balls to scratch.


A one armed man is walking down the street when a friend sees him and
asks,
Where are you going?"
"I'm going to change a light bulb."
"How are you going to do that. You've only got one arm?"
He replies,
"Easy, I've got the receipt."


A guy goes into his local library and asks,
"Do you have any books on self help?"
The librarian replied,
"If we did, that would be defeating the object. Wouldn't it?"

Another guy goes up to the same librarian, and asks,
"Do you have any books on suicide?"
She replies,
"We used to. But no one ever brought them back."


A guy comes home from work to find his wife dressed in a leotard and
surrounded by weight training equipment.
"What's all this stuff for?"
She replied,
I thought I'd try and lose a bit of weight."
"How much did it cost?" he asked.
"$1500" she said.
"$1500 he shouted. "I work my butt off to earn that amount of money.
What in Gods name gave you the idea?"
"Well. I thought I could try and make my boobs bigger."
"BOOBS BIGGER! BOOBS BIGGER!," He screamed "You don't need all this crap
to make your boobs bigger. You just need a couple of sheets of toilet
paper."
"How will toilet paper make my boobs bigger?" She asked.
"Well. You get the toilet paper, rub it between your boobs, and they get
bigger."
"Are you sure it will work?"
"Of course it will work. Look what it's done for your arse!"


What's the difference between Oooooooooh and Ahhhhhhhh
About 45 minutes.


Two friends are talking in a cafe, and one says to the other,
"I phoned the drug helpline this morning. And a recorded voice message
said," 'If you require help on smoking, press 1. If you require help
with alchohol, press 2. If you require help with drugs. Press Hash.'


A Jew, Iranian and an Indian are in a boat in the Southern Pacific Ocean
when they are hit by a storm. The boat is sunk and there is no land in
sight.
After about 10 minutes, a huge shark approaches them, attacks them and
eats the Iranian, and then swims away. However 20 minutes later it
returns and eats the Jew, and swims away again.
Half an hour later, the shark once again returns and begins to circle
the Indian. It gets to within 10 feet, when it turns and begins to swim
away.
"Hey!" Shouts the Indian. "Aren't you going to eat ME?"
The shark turns back and says to him,
"I was going to. But I had a curry last week, and my arse is still
burning."


A man goes to the garage to pick his car up and the mechanic says,
"I couldn't fix the brakes, so I made your horn louder!"


What's the difference between a wife and a lover?
About 25 minutes.

good.... nice jokes... thanks..

A web site has just been set up for incontinent people.

It's www./slash/slash/slash.com

Ahhh, Tom!! You never fail, do ya??? Hilarious, of course....
But, 45 minutes?? As long as that?!!

Ahh, New Guy!! That wasn't fair....... they're much better than mine!
I'll inflict mine on ya if you like??