Don't know what the answer is, but almost sounds like once they were out of crisis then they got "bored" because things were too calm at that point and they needed to stir things up to create excitement so then they would go after you and "try to change" you.

I don't understand it either. If you fall in love with a person, you should love the majority of their qualities, I don't think you will love every quality about them but can learn to accept the ones you really don't care for. I think it is called "compromise" but I sure can't see trying to change someone. I admit I tried to change my ex after we were married, but that involved trying to get him to stop drinking as he became violent raging alcoholic. I didn't pick away at any of his other "flaws" - but he was dangerous when he was drunk, and that was what I tried to change/stop, before he killed someone (me) or someone else.

And that is the bottom line!

Speaking as the unofficial spokesperson for all of my fellow lame-os
that are trying to use the internet to meet folks of the opposite sex, I would have to say YES!

Yes, most definitely...

((((Romeo))))

I studied psychology for seven years. One of the professionals I studied under told me that there is often a problem with "rescuer" relationships -- that being the fact that the rescuee, once "fixed," will sometimes grow to resent the rescuer, because the rescuer has seen the rescuee at her worst, at her lowest point. And the continuation of that interaction becomes a constant reminder of the "bad old days."

Which could, I suppose, explain why the rescuee might develop a need to change something about the rescuer, to create a new paradigm for the relationship. But that presupposes that the relationship is such that it can withstand that sort of major alteration.

The glitch is that there are always prerequisites going in, and those prerequisites ALWAYS end up being part of the "relationship scenario" which one party is attempting to change. This, in effect, terminates the relationship -- because there is a reason for those particular prerequisites having been established in the first place.

The reason why people try to "change" the other person in a given relationship can be attributed to one of two things-

- the person wanting the changes is merely exerting his/her control over the other person

- the person wanting the changes is simply wanting the easy way out instead of simply accepting the things that make the other person unique.

Keeping a relationship viable is NOT easy- it requires compromise on both parties, as well as an understanding of each other's quirks and personality. The minute that compromise is breached (ie- "changing" the other person), it becomes less of a relationship and more just a master-subordinate relationship, which is hardly a relationship at all.

((((Prncs))))

the bottom line is psychology or no psychology, if you can't accept someone as they are then you are not meant to be together.. If you feel someone needs to change then you shouldn't be with them.. We are all the people we want to be and should only be with someone that accepts and appreciates us for who we are...

Very well put, Prncs.

I agree, but some of us don't have that option....

thats right

Lex we always have that option.. It may mean we're alone for quite a while but we still have control over it/ourselves...

sometimes though, we must look inside, deep inside and evaluate what and who we really are.. Sometimes it is "us" who needs to change/alter a bit b/c that little bit is really nothing to us and could open the world up for us...

Why wouldn't we have that option?

Everyone I've ever been with -- with one exception -- has made it a high priority to try to change me into someone/something else.

Circumstances have placed me in a position where it is simply not possible for me to meet anyone at all, at the present time.

And if I did, history tells me they would simply follow in the footsteps of the past partners who tried to change me.

The concept of being with someone who would accept me as I am, while extremely alluring and desirable, is simply not a realistic scenario at this time. And in all probability, never will be.

I think I found someone...seems to be going in that direction anyway. Took me 10 or so years, give or take...yes and no I guess.

Although I respect and understand what you say.. not all of us want to change someone.. and history is only a bad example if we choose to let it hinder our future..IMO

I'm glad for you Fear

Sometimes I think so... cause I have a certain vulnerability that no one gets..or maybe I won't let anyone in.