Okay...my sis and her husband have a teenage son that is 16.
He was diagnose a couple of years ago woth a heart condition that has
yet to be taken care of. He is overweight. He si very popular in school.
he is very smart. He used to do good in school. He has a job at KFC.,
and works good. He was working full time, til they made him only work
weekends due to this. Now they are threatening him with quitting his
job.
He has a bank account with a savings with which he buys parts for his
car they bought him over a year ago.(Blazer)He has bought new tires for
it paid for the carbeurator to be rebuilt, and pays his insurance on it.
He cannot drive it because they will not take him to get his permit,
because they will not, til his grades come up. (I feel that he deserves
to get his permit)Now they threaten him with his car all the time. "If
you don't straighten up, you will never get that car!" We will sell it".
And, I know they will never give him his money back that he has in it.
Well, when he started failing in grades they ground him all the time. He
is used to that. They scream at him and threaten him. He is made to keep
his room clean and do chores alternately with his sister.(it is my
opinion that they have to go to school and come home and work way too
much) When do they get "me "time? Even the daughter , school, home,
homework then house work, then if there is time left, "me time" before
7:00 to take the shower. Where is their time!??

He lies and tells them he has turned in his work at school all the time.
I saw the read out that the school gave her this morning and it was like
this: everything he did was a good grade. The rest was "missing". Most
was missing. I think there is something bothering him. He says he hates
school, and that it is stupid. He wants to join the army. He cannot
without graduating.
What has this child got to look forward too if all this is going on all
the time around him? He is a good kid. I love him to death. He confides
in me all the time. Boys like me for some reason.
What are some suggestions??? Please, I am afraid for him. I feel that
something will go wrong before too long.
Kat







He used to do good in school. He is failing now.

that bottonm line was supposed to be deleted.??????

Depression bro. It can hit all of us, and high school is the worst. As
an uncle, try rewardin him and motivatin him through positive methods,
unlike his parents. That combative attitude is only gonna cause him to
close up, and do worse. I was there, and that happened. I got my
California proficiency exam and cut outta there, so I could do my own
thing and not get b*tched at about school. Just be there for him. Let
him know he's loved regardless of how he does in school, but explain to
him that grades are important. Hope this helps dude.

Poor kid can't cop a break...he sounds so pressured, everywhere...and he
is 16...sheesh, he has done well to keep it all together this long.

Is it possible to negotiate study time, at your house, free of the
tensions at home, can you have your nephew stay over weekends, on a
trial, as such, to see if he can complete his workload/studyload?

Perhaps take him walking of an evening after work, school, teach him how
to have 'me time', that involves exercise...he sounds mildly depressed,
if motivation is slipping, and is reflecting in his school and work...he
needs someone to 'debrief' with, where he is safe from Mum and Dad's
ears...confidentiality...

Ask him where he wants to be in 10 years. I got straight F's, now I'm 28
and workin fast food (KFC ironically). I don't think he wants to be in
those shoes.

I was coming to get him to take him walking with me. I even took him to
movies and out to eat, just us. I am thinking of seeing if he can spend
some time with me when school is either out or maybe even some weekend.
I have had him spend weekends with me before. We played games and
watched tv and made pizza together.
Thanks,
Kat

redman: I believe he is depressed too. It just kills me to see this
happening to him. He is a great kid!
I worked at KFC myself, was no shame in that. One can make good there,
but it isn't for him.

I think I will start calling him more often.

kat

WHERE IS EVERYBODY?? I was really looking for some help here. I need all
kinds of input in order to see if I am correct in my thinking. I try to
talk to her all the time and tell them these kids need some space. And
that they need to have some responsibility, such as leave them home
alone sometime. Give them a chance to grow up and feel good about
themselves.
Kat

Kat,

He needs an ally and an ear, someone who accepts him for him, not what
is expected of him..and with your heart, and your experience raising all
your boys, you are the right one for him, especially if he is already
confiding in you.

Trust your intuition, and the fact that you posted here asking for
suggestions, and your concern for him, says your radar is working well.

Thank you Lee.
I do so love this boy. He is so sweet and loving. I only wish I had a
bigger place so I could ask if he could stay with me.
I never punished any of my boys for bad grades. There weren't many of
those, but I just let them know that whatever the problems were that
they could overcome them. That I knew they could. I knew what they were
made of and that I had all the faith they needed to go far. I never cut
any of my boys down. It was "you can do it", I know you can. Even if you
don't. I would bring up the things that they did good and on their own
as reference.

scat, I agree something is bothering him, the best thing you can do is
be there for him, talk with him, gain his trust to where he can talk to
you about anything, drugs, girls, parents whatever, without showing real
emotion, but also let him know what you think, and be honestwith him,
let him know he may not like what he hears but you are going to tell him
anyways. Let him know what he tells you will go no further and keep that
true.be his friend and confidant. That will help him emensely.

Tue 04/17/07 06:33 PM
scat, I agree something is bothering him, the best thing you can do is
be there for him, talk with him, gain his trust to where he can talk to
you about anything, drugs, girls, parents whatever, without showing real
emotion, but also let him know what you think, and be honestwith him,
let him know he may not like what he hears but you are going to tell him
anyways. Let him know what he tells you will go no further and keep that
true.be his friend and confidant. That will help him emensely.


He already knows he can trust me and tell me anything. I never tell his
parents what he tells me in confidence. He does trust me. He knows I
will always tell him what I think. And he knows that I will always
listen to him. He says that I am his cool aunt. I am his confidant, and
his aunt.
He comes to me all the time and talks to me. But, I cannot help him with
his parents except to agree that they are too hard on him and that I
indeed would do things differently.
I truely need to find a way to get his parents attention. I have told
them that they are pushing him away, and that what they are doing is not
working. That they have got to find another way.

I am also worried about the daughter. She is cute as hell and built like
a brick house. She is 15 almost 16. They keep her too close and tucked
away because someone might see her. They cannot do that, then let her
loose when she is 18. She is going to go wild! I would have.
These poor kids can't even have friends over when they are gone. Or go
around the neighborhood alone until they are home. Well, he can, sort
of. But not her.
Kat
Kat

VERY WELL SAID JESS, AND SCTTRBRAIN ITS AWSOME THAT HE CONFIDES IN YOU,
AND YOU R THERE FOR HIM I HOPE ALL GOES WELL, AND MAYBE THE PARENTS CAN
CUT HIM SOME SLACK ,SOUNDS LIKE A REAL GOOD KID.

Scttr - neither of these children has actually been given any control in
their lives. To tell anyone, do this or loose that, gives you no
options. By the time kids are in their teens we need to start
respecting their decisions. Small ones at first, it builds confidence
and instills trust in both sides. If mistakes are made, they may not
require punishment as much as they require discussion. For sometimes
the consequences of a mistake are the best punishment, and it is
important that the child not only understand his part and his
responsibilty, but also that the child does not get punished twice for
the same mistake. This is the biggest and most common mistake all
parents, adults make with children.

If you have any contact with your neice and nephew, you may be able to
help them but you have to do it from middle ground, not all from their
point of view. Here is an example. Your nephew can not get his permit
until he makes the grade. We all know he's frustrated and maybe he has
fallen behind and can not catch up by himself. So what it if he says to
his parents. If you will help me to get some tutoring in (the subject)
and I show you my next few tests/quizes showing improvement will you
take me to get my permit. This way he has initiated some control
about his life. Don't tell him this part, but he also makes his parents
responsible to get him the help and to look at the progress, not just
the end result of a report card. It also give the parents some leverage
later, for if the end result, the report card is not acceptible, then
the permit will not turn into a license. You see?

Do you understand what I have said? If not, it may be best to simply
offer your ear and your understanding and a safe place for them to vent,
when they have no where else to turn.

Tue 04/17/07 07:52 PM
Scttr - neither of these children has actually been given any control in
their lives. To tell anyone, do this or loose that, gives you no
options. By the time kids are in their teens we need to start
respecting their decisions. Small ones at first, it builds confidence
and instills trust in both sides. If mistakes are made, they may not
require punishment as much as they require discussion. For sometimes
the consequences of a mistake are the best punishment, and it is
important that the child not only understand his part and his
responsibilty, but also that the child does not get punished twice for
the same mistake. This is the biggest and most common mistake all
parents, adults make with children.

If you have any contact with your neice and nephew, you may be able to
help them but you have to do it from middle ground, not all from their
point of view. Here is an example. Your nephew can not get his permit
until he makes the grade. We all know he's frustrated and maybe he has
fallen behind and can not catch up by himself. So what it if he says to
his parents. If you will help me to get some tutoring in (the subject)
and I show you my next few tests/quizes showing improvement will you
take me to get my permit. This way he has initiated some control
about his life. Don't tell him this part, but he also makes his parents
responsible to get him the help and to look at the progress, not just
the end result of a report card. It also give the parents some leverage
later, for if the end result, the report card is not acceptible, then
the permit will not turn into a license. You see?

Do you understand what I have said? If not, it may be best to simply
offer your ear and your understanding and a safe place for them to vent,
when they have no where else to turn.

I'm sorry, Kat...I wish I could give you some advice but unfortunately
all I can do at this point is offer my prayers for these kids...They are
sent and will continue to be sent

The only advice I can give is just to continue being there for them,
supporting them, and loving them...Sorry I could not be of more help...

OOPS!!
I have also told them that they are not giving these kids a chance to
learn who they are. That they have the right as children, almost grown
ups, to make mistakes and have an opinion. That saying something
opposite of what they say doesn't mean arguing, but having their own
opinions, without fear of reprisal is important.
I do see these kids a few times a week. Up close and personal.And you
are absolutely right with your post. I have already brought this to
their attention.
He does not belive that they will stand by what they tell him, as far as
doing what they say. Like, the permit thing. He may do one thing good to
deserve this permit. Then the next thing you know, he is trouble with
them for something else and the permit thing comes to play.
I have asked them why they did not try and tutor him and I did mention
to them about putting him in a special school. I did that with the
daughter when she was having probs. and she was put in it. She is doing
great!!
But, they seem to wait til it is almost too late with him. They just
want to think that he is acting out and blantantly in their faces with
this. I disagree.
What it feels like is that he just doesn't want to do the work. That
maybe he thinks this is payback for his misery. All the while he is
screwing with his own outcome. But, I think there is something deep
involved here. I really do.
I perfectly understand what you were saying and appreciate your input.
I use my life as a teenager and my own sons, to try and help him.
I also do tell him that they are trying the best they know how, no
matter how wrong anyone thinks they are.

Kat,

Something that disturbed me a little, in reading your last post...

You have suggested a special school for assisting with picking up his
grades, to his parents?

I reread all your posts and didn't find anything to indicate that he is
challenged with his peers, only his homelife...

Taking away his friend base, and his peers, may worsen his situation and
mindset of where he is..he needs support, and I feel removing his peer
base will remove more of his places he is supported.

Could have the opposite affect...

Kat is this the same sister that you have had some tension in the past
with?

I have found, as a case worker with young people, to be able to have
time with the young person, I really have to keep the parents'/carers'
in a position where they are comfortable with my time spent with their
kids, and feel that I am supporting them, and what they require.

You cannot alienate you sister, or brother in law..or you will lose
access to your nephew and niece...it is a fine line you need to walk,
whereby having them over at your house, the parents feel you are helping
them, and it is a side-bar benefit to the kids.

Hi Kat,

I'd talk to him ALOT about his future. Time moves so slow at that age, 2
years(until he's eighteen) seems like an eternity to him, we know...it's
really just a blink away. Help him shift his focus from where he is, to
where he's going.

Tell him the real stuff, not the PC crap, but the reality of the
different options available, or not available, to people based on their
education.

Most importantly...

Do for him what you did for your kids. Believe in him, because if he
doesn't get this pulled around in time, and fails to graduate, he has
his whole life to get back on that proverbial horse. His greatest
obstacle will be believing he can.

best wishes and prayers sent to you and your family Kat



hugs kim