A guy walks in to a pet shop looking to buy a parrot.
The only one in the shop has an enormous beak.
He asks the pet shop owner why it's beak is so long.
The owner replies,
"It needs to have it's beak filed down every month because it tends to
grow rather fast."
The guy makes a deal with the owner and he buys the parrot.
As he's leaving the shop, the owner says to him,
"When you file the beak down, be sure you don't go beyond the nose
holes, or he will drown when he drinks."
Bearing this in mind, the guy goes into a hardware shop to buy a file.
The hardware shop owner remarks to him, after showing him where the
files are,
"If you're gonna file the parrots beak down, make sure you don't file
below the nose holes, otherwise he'll drown when he drinks."
"How do YOU know that?", asks the guy.
"It's common knowledge." replies the hardware shop owner.
The guy thanks him for his advice, buys a file, and heads off home.
A couple of weeks later the guy is once again in the hardware shop, and
the owner recognises him.
"Hey. How's your parrot?!
The guy replies sadly,
"He's dead."
"Oh. Sorry to hear that. Did you file too much of his beak off and he
drowned?"
"No." replied the guy. "His head got crushed in the vice."

This is the best joke I've heard in ages and I am going to have to steal
it!