A colonoscopy allows an examination of the entire colon, which measures
four to five feet in length and are often used to diagnose colon cancer.
The following 'story' puts a humorous twist to the actual process, and
if you've had one before, you can really appreciate the
story as told.
Enjoy, and then make your appointment for one if you fall into the
category where this procedure is recommended.


Dave Barry's Colonoscopy Journal:

... I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an
appointment for a
colonoscopy. A few days later, in his office, Andy
showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to
go all over

the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis .

Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough,
reassuring and patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully, but I
didn't
really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, quote,
'HE'S GOING TO

STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'

I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription
for

a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold
a
microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice
it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America
's enemies.

I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.


Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In
accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day;
all I

had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor.

Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder
together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm
water.
(For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32
gallons.)

Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because
MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit
and

urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.

The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great
sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose watery bowel
movement may result.' This is kind of like saying that after you jump
off your roof, you may experience contact with the
ground.

MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here,
but:
Have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the
MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you
wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much
confined to the

bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when
you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of
MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into
the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.

After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep. The next
morning
my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I
worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional
return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on
Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that?
Flowers would not be enough.

At the clinic I had to sign many forms
acknowledging that I understood
and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led
me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a
little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those
hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you
put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually
naked.

Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand.
Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was
already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in
their MoviPrep.

At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I
pondered

what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the
bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You
would have no choice but to burn your house.

When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room,
where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did
not
see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there
somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point. Andy had me roll over
on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to
the needle in my hand. There was music playing in the room, and I
realized that the song was

'Dancing Queen' by Abba. I remarked
to Andy that, of all the songs that
could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' has
to be

the least appropriate. 'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from
somewhere behind me.

'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time,the moment I had been dreading
for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because
I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.

I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, Abba was
shrieking 'Dancing Queen! Feel the beat from the tambourine ...' and
the
next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow
mood. Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt
excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that it was all
over, and that my colon had

passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal
organ.

ABOUT THE WRITER
Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for the Miami
Herald.

COLONOSCOPIES
Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during exams were quite
humorous...... A physician claimed that the following are actual
comments made by his patients (predominately male) before or after their
colonoscopies:


1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone
before!

2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'

3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'

4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'

5. 'You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married.'

6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'

7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'

8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'

9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'

10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'

11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'

12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'

13. 'How far up did you go? I now have a sore throat.'

And the best one of all..

14. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up
there?

I find this particularly funny because my office mate at work has been joking about her upcoming colonoscopy appointment this week. I will have to share this with her!

she ought to love this one

You should hear him talk about "Poopachino". If you drink coffee, you may never want to again!!