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| Topic: Need some advice | |
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Ok so my 17 yr old daughter, who has never given me any problems, drops a bomb on me last night. She tells me that her and her boyfriend who is 16 had sex one day while his parents were gone for a couple of hours. She says that they used a condom but still. I am so disappointed in her and I dont know that I can trust her again. She is upset with me because I told her that I didnt know if I could trust her for awhile. I dont know what to do, please any and all advice would be helpful I didnt sleep well at all last night. I will be taking her to get a pregnancy test in the next week or two. I know it is not the end of the world but I do feel like alot of it has come crashing down on me.
 
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IMO, this is not a matter of trust, at least not in your way of thinking. Try this perspective, she truste you and your relationship enough to confide in you about something most kids would never dream of doing. In her eyes, you have probably betrayed her trust as much as she has yours.
Unfortunately, sex at that age is pretty common and despite her upbringing (or anyone's), it's more likely kids will than won't. So, let's look at it this way. She was safe by using a condom, she came to you to talk to and confide in. She's obviously doing something right. You've done well just getting her to that point. You should be proud of her for just doing those things. Granted, yes, it's probably better if she had waited but since she didn't, at least she's being as safe and as responsible as she can be. Your job, now, is to keep the lines of communication open, and do what you can to keep her protecting herself as much as possible. It's a done deal, so look to the future 
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Edited by
mcattygarnett
on
Tue 12/02/08 04:49 AM
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IMO, this is not a matter of trust, at least not in your way of thinking. Try this perspective, she truste you and your relationship enough to confide in you about something most kids would never dream of doing. In her eyes, you have probably betrayed her trust as much as she has yours. Unfortunately, sex at that age is pretty common and despite her upbringing (or anyone's), it's more likely kids will than won't. So, let's look at it this way. She was safe by using a condom, she came to you to talk to and confide in. She's obviously doing something right. You've done well just getting her to that point. You should be proud of her for just doing those things. Granted, yes, it's probably better if she had waited but since she didn't, at least she's being as safe and as responsible as she can be. Your job, now, is to keep the lines of communication open, and do what you can to keep her protecting herself as much as possible. It's a done deal, so look to the future Thank you for the advice, and I do totally understand what you are saying, it is just that I feel like I have failed somewhere. I thought that I had done everything possible to keep this from happening before she graduated from high school. Alot of her friends have had sex way before her, so yes I am happy that it didnt happen sooner, and I am sorry if she is feels like I betrayed her trust, but this was the only thing that I ever asked her not to do until she got out of high school. I will try really hard to get past this and move forward, because she does deserve to have the best senior year of her life, because she worked really hard to get to this point in her life. |
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I feel for you in this situation, as a parent. However, IMO, those who feel their teenagers aren't "doing it" or won't do it just because they've given them the best reasons to wait, are putting their heads in the sand. I wouldn't not trust my daughter or make her feel that I couldn't trust her. She told you!! That, to me, would be a compliment that she would be the one to come tell me rather then me having to find out some other way. Please don't make her feel she isn't trust worthy. Sit down and have a heart-to-heart with her about what she did, why she did it and what kind of consequences she might have to deal with because of what she's done. There is a thing, again, IMO, as over reacting. My first concern would be for her safety!! Make sure she knows beyond all shadow of a doubt that because of what she's done, you love her NO LESS and that you are NOT disappointed in HER, but more about how much you LOVE her and want what's best for her. At a certain age, their decisions are out of your control, regardless of how much you try, they will find a way around it, other then locking her in a closet and then you'll have other issues to deal with. How this is handled will have so much affect on her regarding trust and her sexual experiences. Please don't make her feel as if she can't come to you! Again, JMO.
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I read your other post about you feeling as if you're a failure, my dear lady, it has nothing to do with whether you've failed her or not, it's about "teenagers and hormones" or "puppy luv".
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It is not that you failed as a parent....teens will be teens. If it is going to happen it will. Be thankful in the fact that she has enough love, respect and trust in you that she came to you and told you about it. By all means get her to the OB/GYN doc and get some birth control for her.
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IMO, this is not a matter of trust, at least not in your way of thinking. Try this perspective, she truste you and your relationship enough to confide in you about something most kids would never dream of doing. In her eyes, you have probably betrayed her trust as much as she has yours. Unfortunately, sex at that age is pretty common and despite her upbringing (or anyone's), it's more likely kids will than won't. So, let's look at it this way. She was safe by using a condom, she came to you to talk to and confide in. She's obviously doing something right. You've done well just getting her to that point. You should be proud of her for just doing those things. Granted, yes, it's probably better if she had waited but since she didn't, at least she's being as safe and as responsible as she can be. Your job, now, is to keep the lines of communication open, and do what you can to keep her protecting herself as much as possible. It's a done deal, so look to the future Thank you for the advice, and I do totally understand what you are saying, it is just that I feel like I have failed somewhere. I thought that I had done everything possible to keep this from happening before she graduated from high school. Alot of her friends have had sex way before her, so yes I am happy that it didnt happen sooner, and I am sorry if she is feels like I betrayed her trust, but this was the only thing that I ever asked her not to do until she got out of high school. I will try really hard to get past this and move forward, because she does deserve to have the best senior year of her life, because she worked really hard to get to this point in her life. You have not failed as a parent, far from it. If you had, you would not know a thing about what your daughter was doing. Trust me on that one The thing I think you need to understand is that her decision was not about you, it was about her and what she felt was the right decision for her. Only time will tell if it truly was. I would talk to her, maybe tell her you over-reacted a bit on the trust issue. Tell her you were surprised, maybe disappointed in her decision but that you are so glad she felt comfortable enough to come to you. You CAN make this right again, with probably very little effort. And yeah, get her to the doctor ASAP for a better form of birth control. |
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I tell you what, when I was 16 and had sex the first time I sure didn't tell my parents.
And there was no condom either. She said she was on the pill(she wasn't) and I believed her. I just lived the next couple of wks in fear that I didn't catch any thing from her, (it wasn't her first time) or that she didn't get pregnant. Today I am the father of 2 daughters, 15 and 17. I let their mother explain the mechanics of sex, birth control and STD's. I explain to them that the quickest way to a lifetime of heartache is through careless sex,dope and alcohol. |
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Ok so my 17 yr old daughter, who has never given me any problems, drops a bomb on me last night. She tells me that her and her boyfriend who is 16 had sex one day while his parents were gone for a couple of hours. She says that they used a condom but still. I am so disappointed in her and I dont know that I can trust her again. She is upset with me because I told her that I didnt know if I could trust her for awhile. I dont know what to do, please any and all advice would be helpful I didnt sleep well at all last night. I will be taking her to get a pregnancy test in the next week or two. I know it is not the end of the world but I do feel like alot of it has come crashing down on me. well my guess is she will not tell you stuff any more sorry but cant trust you was wrong thing to say \ hope it works out for ya |
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hey im young so maybe i can help you understand where she is coming from. When she came to u to tell u that she was probably more scared than ever. Dont b mad at her. With society the way it is today its hard not to do wat she did. And if i were u i wouldnt take her for the pregnancy test thats def not wat she wants(unless of coarse she is showing signs of being pregnat or asks u to). Im not saying its right wat she did but its natural and normal.
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They all get to make their own choices about sex no matter what we tell them as they are growing up. Just be glad that she came to you and keep the communication lines open. Make sure that you let her know that even though you don't approve of what she DID, you still love her UNCONDITIONALLY. Voice of experience!!
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I feel for you in this situation, as a parent. However, IMO, those who feel their teenagers aren't "doing it" or won't do it just because they've given them the best reasons to wait, are putting their heads in the sand. I wouldn't not trust my daughter or make her feel that I couldn't trust her. She told you!! That, to me, would be a compliment that she would be the one to come tell me rather then me having to find out some other way. Please don't make her feel she isn't trust worthy. Sit down and have a heart-to-heart with her about what she did, why she did it and what kind of consequences she might have to deal with because of what she's done. There is a thing, again, IMO, as over reacting. My first concern would be for her safety!! Make sure she knows beyond all shadow of a doubt that because of what she's done, you love her NO LESS and that you are NOT disappointed in HER, but more about how much you LOVE her and want what's best for her. At a certain age, their decisions are out of your control, regardless of how much you try, they will find a way around it, other then locking her in a closet and then you'll have other issues to deal with. How this is handled will have so much affect on her regarding trust and her sexual experiences. Please don't make her feel as if she can't come to you! Again, JMO. Hits the nail on the head. |
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Ok so my 17 yr old daughter, who has never given me any problems, drops a bomb on me last night. She tells me that her and her boyfriend who is 16 had sex one day while his parents were gone for a couple of hours. She says that they used a condom but still. I am so disappointed in her and I dont know that I can trust her again. She is upset with me because I told her that I didnt know if I could trust her for awhile. I dont know what to do, please any and all advice would be helpful I didnt sleep well at all last night. I will be taking her to get a pregnancy test in the next week or two. I know it is not the end of the world but I do feel like alot of it has come crashing down on me. well my guess is she will not tell you stuff any more sorry but cant trust you was wrong thing to say \ hope it works out for ya See this is where you are wrong, my daughter will still come to me, just today she came to me about something. Just just came out of left field and was a shocker to me. I was honest with her about the fact that I didnt know if I could trust her for awhile, just as she was honest with me. It is called keeping the lines of communication open. |
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Thank you so very much for all of the advice. We have had a long talk about everything and I explained the reasons why I was so concerned. She does understand the reasons behind me telling her that I didnt know if I could trust her for awhile. My daughter and I have always been very close and we can always talk about everything. This is just another stepping stone in life for us and I can not let it hurt our relationship, just because I dont think that what she did was right. I love her unconditionally and she know that. Again thanks for all of the advice. I hope that everyone has a great day.
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Ok so my 17 yr old daughter, who has never given me any problems, drops a bomb on me last night. She tells me that her and her boyfriend who is 16 had sex one day while his parents were gone for a couple of hours. She says that they used a condom but still. I am so disappointed in her and I dont know that I can trust her again. She is upset with me because I told her that I didnt know if I could trust her for awhile. I dont know what to do, please any and all advice would be helpful I didnt sleep well at all last night. I will be taking her to get a pregnancy test in the next week or two. I know it is not the end of the world but I do feel like alot of it has come crashing down on me. well my guess is she will not tell you stuff any more sorry but cant trust you was wrong thing to say \ hope it works out for ya See this is where you are wrong, my daughter will still come to me, just today she came to me about something. Just just came out of left field and was a shocker to me. I was honest with her about the fact that I didnt know if I could trust her for awhile, just as she was honest with me. It is called keeping the lines of communication open. good i am glad it worked out |
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im 19 and i remembered when i told my mom id had sex she freaked that just mad me resent her and not tell her much else be there for her explain to her what having sex means for her emotionally dont sweat it she told u thats a big deal
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I was 16 when I got pregnant and now I'm 33 with 2 wonderful boy teenagers (ok maybe not always wonderful, but very hormonal) My mom knew I was having sex and she took me to the doctor to get me on the pill. Also my parents educated me about sex, boys, drugs and such. I was a good kid made B's. But hormones got in my way and I didn't care at that time what mom and dad had to say. Now that my kids are at the age I was when I started having sex I know it will happen and nothing I can do to stop it but hope I taught them well and what I said to them sticks. I've been telling them about sex since they were babies. Now I have to let them grow up and let them go slowly. My kids know they can talk to me about anything sex drunk girls, small or big they come to me and ask questions. And I'm very honest with my answers. Also like to add when my mom found out I was pregnant at 16 she was very upset. I ended up moving out at 17 years old 7 months pregnant. And somethings she said really upset me and I didn't talk to her for 5 years. Then I grew up and its all good between us now. Good luck to you and your little girl. Just wanted to share my two cents with you.
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It's ok to be disappointed, but still show her that unconditional love, and keep the communication going. I have 3 daughters myself, and I feel for you. I hope I never have that kind of conversation with mine, but the chances of at least one, are probably not good. God bless.
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Just a quick update, things are great with me and my daughter. We talk everynight and in fact I think that we are spending more time together since all of this has happened. She knows that she can come to me about anything. At her 18th birthday last week, she told me that she knew that she had to rebuild my trust on that one issue before she moved out to go to college and I told her that I was just happy that she had waited as long as she had. So things are good.
Thank you for all of your help. |
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Just a quick note: you definetly didn't fail as a parent since they used condom and she even told you that she had broken her (rather big, I might add) promise.
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