I've been single for a while now by choice because I've been trying really hard to get my life back on track after a bad break-up.

During that time, I would get an occasional date, but I was always up front with them, telling them I wasn't ready for any kind of relationship and that this date was just so I could get out and enjoy adult conversation. (Talking to my 10 year old about Hannah Montana and the Jonas Brothers gets old after a while). Most of them understood, and respected my wishes. But as time went on and my situation got better, I still kept saying the same thing. It was like I was using it as a crutch, so I wouldn't have to date anyone seriously. I guess I just wasn't ready yet to let my guard down.

Well, I got my life straightened up and realized that if I was going to meet someone, then I needed to change my way of thinking and be willing to take the chance. Cause I was never going to know if the guy was going to be good or bad unless I was willing to let him prove it. I haven't been looking too hard, because we all know that is a waste of time, and that love finds you more often then you finding love.

So, I've been talking with this guy, and he's really nice. Nothing serious yet, but we started getting into the conversation about relationships and my brain went right into "put up your guard" mode. And I almost went into the spew of "I'm waiting for my life to get straightened out, yada yada yada", when I realized, "OMG, it is straightened out, and I need to give this guy a chance." So, I let him know that although I am nervous, I'm willing to test the waters.

But I feel like I am standing on a platform, getting ready to Bunji jump, and I just can't jump. Its like I need someone to just go ahead and push me off the ledge just so I can take that leap of faith. For the first time in my entire life, I am literally scared to death to take this leap, even though I know, this is exactly what I need to do to get over my fears.

Has anyone else experienced this, and what did you do to overcome this fear?

A lot of us have been there, in the immortal words of "Nike" Just Do It! The more you put it off, the harder it will be.

Yes I've experienced it. I've used every excuse in the book...some valid, some not-so. It's almost like a paradox of sorts...you think you want something but that something scares the hell outta you. I think you're taking steps and that's all you can ask of yourself right now. It's not a leap..it's one step at a time!

It's so weird because this time (because of learning very hard lessons in the past) I'm actually thinking with and listening to my brain instead of my heart.

Wow...I really know how you feel I put up a wall everytime anyone tries to get to close

It does get frustrating, especially since I've found, what I consider, to be a great guy. I don't want to miss out on a perfectly good chance to date him, I'm just scared!

I've been div'd for 16 yrs so like I should offer any advice...but maybe you could mix a little brain and heart? I understand completely when you said you were listening with your brain this time INSTEAD of your heart...use them both!

When the time is right and the man is right, it will happen and you will say....Wow that was easy.

Lily, you always give out sound advice, so I hope you are right about this one!!

Well, I would, but in the past, my heart didn't care much about being hurt. Now it's screaming "Don't do it!"

I just had another scary thought. Maybe this guy could be the real deal, and that's why it's bothering me so much!

Trust me everything you have said, is everything I have felt... the advise has come from my own discovery...

I'll push you if you push me. Best advice I can give you is to talk about how you're feeling to him. If your scared, tell him. I did and I don't regret it.

Yep. I'm right there with ya.

I intend to live forever or die trying.

I'm so glad I'm not alone in this predicament!

Exactly. Just let life happen.








(((((((((((((( RELAX )))))))))))))

My advice is to not put so much pressure on yourself. I know from experience that is way harder to say than do. I was always someone wanting to look down the road and figure things out. I also guarded my heart and was afraid to let my walls down. When you're in that place it feels "safe."

I ended a long relationship (7 years), and was having those feelings. Then I decided to just go out and have fun. I met a really great guy, and I just let it flow with him. I told myself, "We are going out, having fun, making great conversation. That's all it needs to be for now." That really helped me to feel more relaxed.

As time went on, I gradually let more and more of my guard down with him. We shared more, got deeper, and started growing as a couple. Each stage was different, and each one was okay because I just let it be what it was. I didn't try to reason through to figure out what it "meant" or where we were "headed" because I knew that would start making me want to close up again out of fear.

Maybe that method will help you out. It certainly did for me! We are approaching our year mark, he has just moved in with me, and every day he still makes me smile. Maybe don't think of it so much as jumping off a ledge as easing into a pool. It doesn't have to be all or nothing and you can enjoy the journey of the relationship. If it doesn't work, then it doesn't and there is really nothing lost because you had fun. If it does work, each step will bring you closer to feeling more comfortable opening up completely.

Thank you so much for that. And all of you are right. I should just let life happen. Hey it's going to happen whether I want it to or not, so I'm going to enjoy the happiness I have at hand, and not worry about what's going to happen down the road just yet. You guys are awesome!!

Oh man! So much! I've actually started to wonder if I even know how to open up anymore. I don't remember how it feels to cuddle without being scared.

I wish I could help. God knows.