Q: Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, a non-lazy man (who helps out around
the house), and a lazy man are about to jump off a bridge into water.
Who makes the biggest splash?
A: The lazy man. The other 3 don't exist.
Q: Why don't men do laundry?
A: Because the washer and dryer don't run on remote control!

Q: Why do men have a hole at the end of their penis?
A: So they can think open-mindedly.

Q: What's a man's idea of protected sex?
A: A padded headboard.

Q: What do you call a woman that works like a man?
A: A Lazy *****.

Q: Why did God create men?
A: Because vibrators can't mow the lawn.

Q: Why is urine yellow and sperm white?
A: So men can tell if they are coming or going.

Q: How are men like parking spaces?
A: he good ones are always taken and all that is left are handicapped

Q: What do you call a man with an I.Q. of 50?
A: Gifted

Q: What's the difference between a man and a cow?
A: One brain cell that prevents them from ****ting all over the place!

Q: How are men and beer bottles alike?
A: They're both empty from the neck up.

Q: Why do woman fake orgasms?
A: Because men fake foreplay!

Q: Did you hear about the baby born with both sexes?
A: It had a penis AND a brain!

Q: How many men does it take to make popcorn?
A: Four, one to hold the pot, and three to act macho and shake the
stove.

Q: How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
A: No one knows, it's never happened

Q: How many men does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Only 1 (Men are good at screwing things up!)

Q: What is the difference between government bonds and men?
A: Government bonds mature.

Q: What's the best way to force a man to do sit-ups?
A: Put the remote control between his toes

Q: What's a man's idea of helping with the housework?
A: Lifting his legs so you can vacuum.

Q: What's the difference between a man and E.T.?
A: E.T. phoned home.

Q: Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than for women?
A: When it's time to go back to his childhood, he's already there.

Q: What did God say after he created man?
A: "I can do better than this."

Q: How do men define a 50-50 relationship?
A: We cook; they eat. We clean; they dirty. We iron; they wrinkle.

Q: How do men exercise at the beach?
A: By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.

Q: What does a man consider to be a seven-course meal?
A; A hot dog and a six-pack.

Q; How are men like noodles?
A: They are always in hot water, they lack taste, and they need dough.

Q; Why is it good that there are female astronauts?
A: When the crew gets lost in space, at least the women will ask for
directions.

Q: How can you tell if a man is happy?
A: Who cares!!!
A man walks into a bar and finds a Genie in a lamp. The Genie will only
grant him one wish. The man wishes to be a million times smarter than
any man on earth. *POOF* the Genie turns him into a woman!

Q: Why are blonde jokes so short?
A: So men can remember them.

Q: Why do men have slits in their underwear?
A: So they can get oxygen to their brains.

Q: What did god say after he made Adam?
A: "I can do better than that." then he made Eve.

Q: What do you call a man with half a brain?
A: Gifted

Q: How can you tell if a man is sexually active?
A: He's breathing!

A man is trying to impress a woman by making her think he's really
intelligent.
Man: I like waking early in the morning.
Woman: Are you sure you haven't missed an "n" out of that sentence?

Q: Do you know the real reason Moses wandered in the desert for 40
years?
A: Because even back then men wouldn't stop and ask for directions.

Q: How do you save a man from drowning?
A: Take your foot off of his head.

Q: Why do women work harder than men?
A: Women get it done right the first time.

Q: Why is a man like a diaper?
A: because they are always on your ass, and they are usually full of
****

This man went to the doctor because he had a problem. The doctor asked
him what was wrong and the man said his **** was orange. So the doctor
ran all the normal tests on him to see what was wrong. The doctor did
not find any thing wrong with the man so the doctor asked the man if he
lived next to a waste dump. The man said "NO". Then the doctor asked him
if he handled any toxic chemicals at work. Again the man said "NO that
he didn't have a job". So the doctor asked him what he did all day long
and the man said " I just sit around , watch Playboy Channel, and Eat
CHEETOS."
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A man walks into a bar and sees a jar on the counter with about 10
thousand dollars in it. He asks the bartender about and he says, "I'll
give that money to anyone who does exactly what I say."

The man replies "okay I'll do it."

The bartender says "okay but first why don't you have a drink." the man
takes the drink.he asks what it is he has to do again. The bartender
says "have another one on the house." The man again has a drink. the man
- now drunk - says, "What ish it I gotta do?"

the bartender says okay, "See that man over there, the 7'11" 400 pound
one. Well if you can hit him one time and make him fall you'll be one
step closer to getting the money. Next go outside to see a mean ole dog
with a bad tooth. If you can get that tooth you'll be two steps closer
to that money.

The man says "well what else do I have to do?"

The bartender says "well upstairs there's a 107 year old lady. If you
sleep with her you get the money."

the man says okay and hits the big man once making him fall at once.

He goes outside and the bartender hears the dog howling and barking
loudly. he says to himself "that man is getting that tooth!"

the man comes in and says, "Whew, now where's the ***** with the bad
tooth?!!"

------------------------------------------------------------

Once there were three construction workers. When it was lunchtime one
day, they all sat down together.

The first one opened his lunchbox and said, "Eeew, turkey! I hate
turkey!" So he shot himself with a rivet gun.

The second one opened his lunchbox and said, "Eeew, ham! I hate ham!" So
he jumped off the building.

The third one opened his box and said, "Eeew, mac and cheese! I hate mac
and cheese!" So he ran himself over with a bulldozer.

At the funeral, their three wives were talking about their lost
husbands. The first two were very sad, but the third was rather puzzled.

the first wife said, "I thought he liked turkey!"
The second one said, "I thought he liked ham!"
But the third one was still puzzled. She said, "I thought he packed his
own lunch."


Men are like department stores.... their clothes should always be half
off.
Men are like vacations.... they never seem to be long enough.

Men are like computers... hard to figure out and never have enough
memory.

Men are like coolers... load them with beer and you can take them
anywhere

Men are like chocolate bars.... sweet, smooth, and they usually head
right for your hips.

Men are like coffee.... the best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you
up all night long.

Men are like horoscopes.... they always tell you what to do and are
usually wrong.

Men are like plungers... they spend most of their lives in a hardware
store or the bathroom.

Maternity leave would last two years....with full pay.
There would be a cure for stretch marks.

Natural childbirth would become obsolete.

Morning sickness would rank as the nation's #1 health problem.

All methods of birth control would be 100% effective.

Children would be kept in the hospital until toilet trained.

Men would be eager to talk about commitment.

They wouldn't think twins were so cute.

Sons would have to be home from dates by 10:00 PM.

Briefcases would be used as diaper bags.

Paternity suits would be a fashion line of clothes.

They'd stay in bed during the entire pregnancy.

Restaurants would include ice cream and pickles as main entree's.

Women would rule the world.



If Men Were to Rewrite "The Rules"
Rule # 1
Anything we said six or eight months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
All comments become null and void after seven days.

Rule # 2
If you don't want to dress like Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us
to act like soap opera guys.

Rule # 3
If we say something that can be interpreted in two ways, and one of the
ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other way.

Rule # 4
It is in neither your best interest or ours to make us take those stupid
Cosmo quizzes together.

Rule # 5
Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women how can we know how pretty
you are?

Rule # 6
Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.

Rule # 7
You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done -
not both.

Rule # 8
Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during
commercials or time-outs.

Rule # 9
Christopher Columbus didn't need directions and neither do we.

Rule # 10
When we're turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the off ramp,
you saying "This is our exit" is not necessary.