Bad Electric Play

Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.

This was submitted by a guy who purchased his lovely wife a "pocket
Taser" for their Anniversary.

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked
my interest. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for
a little something extra for my wife Toni. What I came across was a
100,000 volt,pocket/ purse sized taser. The effects of the taser were
suppose to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your
assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety. WAY TOO
COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two
AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was
disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND
pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue
arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

Awesome!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on
the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it
couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?!!!

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting
little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I
really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I
must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second)
and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going
to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did
want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one
hand, taser in another. The directions said that a one second burst
would shock and disorient your assailant; a two second burst was
supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a
three second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the
ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds
would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long,
less than 3/4" in circumference; pretty cute really and loaded with two
itsy bitsy AAA batteries thinking to myself, "no possible way!"

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head ****ed to one
side as to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a one second burst
from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided
to give myself a one second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the
prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER, WEAPONS OF
MASS DESTRUCTION@ !@$$!%_!@ *!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me
up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and
over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal
position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire,
testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in
the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was standing over
me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face,
undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!"

Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one
note of caution: There is no such thing as a one second burst when you
zap yourself.
You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand
by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be
considered conservative.

SON-OF-A-... that hurt like h_ _ _!!! A minute or so later (I can't be
sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits
(what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent
reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. (How did they up
get there???)
My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face
felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed
88 lbs.

I'm still looking for my testicles .... I'm offering a significant
reward for their safe return.

Still in shock,
Numb nuts

This was too funny there aren't enough laughing
emoticons to put on here...ROFLMAO

OMG, this is too funny, I could barely finish reading it through the
tears I was laughing so hard. Poor dude neutered himself.

OMS Sis..........that was hilarious!!! I am laughing so hard I have
tears in my eyes. It would take a man to do somthing like that!!! No
woman would ever be THAT curious!

~~waiting on the men who will deny being that curious~~

too funny----but no stun gun then--

On a serious note, did you know that before any police or corrections
officer can use any of these things, tazers, pepper spray, kidney
punchers, or any of their "self defense" type weapons (except for being
shot of course) they make them experience the the effect of it before
they can use it? Found this out while in the prison system, they had to
experience pepper spray and these things at the academy as part of their
training.

Oh = the kidney puncher - are two electrodes, one each placed over the
inmate's kidney and if he gets out of control, the officer pushes a
button, zaps the inmate, he goes down fast. This is only used for the
most violent of inmste when transporting them to court, etc. But
officers also had to experience that.