Got these from a friend who is also aging well.
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Very elderly gentleman, (mid nineties) very well dressed, hair well
groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel smelling slightly of a

good after shave, presenting a well looked-after image, walks into an
upscale ****tail lounge. Seated at the bar is an elderly looking lady,

in her mid-eighties.

The gentleman walks over, sits alongside of her, orders a drink, takes a
sip, turns to her and says, "So tell me, do I come here often?"

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An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years.

He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a

set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor

said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that

you can hear again."

The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit
around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three
times!"

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Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench

under a tree when one turns to the other and says: "Slim, I'm 83 years

old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my
age. How do you feel?"

Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby."

"Really!? Like a newborn baby!?"

"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants."

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An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after
eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two
gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new

restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly."

The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"

The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of
that flower you give to someone you love? You know... the one that's red
and has thorns."

"Do you mean a rose?"

"Yes, that's the one," replied the man. He then turned towards the
kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to
last night?"

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Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being discharged.
However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly
gentleman
-- already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet
-- who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.

After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to
the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.

"I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing

out of her hospital gown."

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A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things.

During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay,
but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair.
"Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?" he asks.

"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"

"Sure."

"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she
asks.

"No, I can remember it."

"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it
down, so's not to forget it?"

He says, "I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with
strawberries."

"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it

down?" she asks.

Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it!

Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness

sake!" Then he toddles into the kitchen.

After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands

his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a
moment. "Where's my toast?"

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A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
"So I hear you're getting married?"
"Yep!"
"Do I know her?"
"Nope!"
"This woman, is she good looking?"
"Not really."
"Is she a good cook?"
"Naw, she can't cook too well."
"Does she have lots of money?"
"Nope! Poor as a church mouse."
"Why in the world do you want to marry her then?"
"Because she can still drive!"

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Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"
Second one says, "No, it's Thursday!"
Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."

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A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It
cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."

"Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?"

"Twelve thirty."

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Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few
days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a
gorgeous young woman on his arm.

A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're
really doing great, aren't you?"

Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be
cheerful.'"

The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur;
be careful.'"

those are funny thanks for the laugh

love them! I know old people like this!

hey give me back my diary lmao