St. Patty's day only a month away...time for some Irish Jokes...

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run
over by a train.
His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised
and he's walking with a limp.
"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
"That little sh*t, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he
must have had something in his hand."
"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible
lickin' he gave me with it."
"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have
something in your hand?"
That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty
it was, but useless in a fight."

An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the
city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the
road. A cop pulls him over.
"So," says the cop to the driver, where have ya been?"
"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.
"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink
this evening."
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms
across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of
your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought
I'd gone deaf."


Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan
arrives at her door.
"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya".
"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my
husband?"
"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda." There was an accident
down at the Guinness brewery..."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."
"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry.
Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"
"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and
drowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me truth, Tim. Did he at least go
quickly?"
"Well, Brenda... no. In fact, he got out three times to pee."


Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service,
and she's in tears.
He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away
last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he
have any last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father."
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary? "
She says, He said, 'Please Mary, put down that f*kin gun...'


AND THE BEST FOR LAST

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth,
sits down, but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk
continues to sit there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knocking, there's no paper on this side
either!"

We Irish are a playful lot, 500 years ago we invented the bagpipes and
gave them to the Scots as a joke. You know I don't think they have
caught on yet.

Woody

Why do Irishmen make the best Magicians?

They can walk down any street and turn into a bar.

Three Pints of Guinness...

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness
and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in
turn. When he finished all three, he comes back to the bar and orders
three more.The bartender says to him, "You know, a pint goes flat after
I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time." The
Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in
America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all
left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we
all drank together." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom,
and leaves it there. The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar and
always drinks the same way: he orders three pints and drinks the three
pints by taking drinks from each of them in turn.
One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars in
the bar notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the
second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your
grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss." The
Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a lights dawns in his eye and
he laughs. "Oh, no," he says, "Everyone is fine.It's me..." "...I've
quit drinking!"

Ah you Bugger,had me tinkin fer a wee
minute. And the Bag pipes! Twas a wonderful
sound. From an Irish Scottish Mixed Highlander,
meself.

An Irishman comes into a bar and orders 6 Shots of Bushmills, 6 beers
and 6 shots of burbon. He downs them as fast as the bartender can pour
them.

The bartender says "I have never seen anybody drink like that before"

The Irishman says you would drink like that too if you had what I have"

the bartender says "what do you have"

and the Irishman says ...................







A dollar

Good one NYFA74 and Gardenforge...
drink up