Your Birthday Today
The lifetime supply of Twinkies you won in that contest turns out to be only half a box, indicating that the Hostess corporation knows something you don't.

Aries March 21 - April 19
Your water will break while watching a performance of The Marriage Of Figaro, causing you great surprise, as you are not pregnant, female, or interested in opera.

Taurus April 20 - May 20
Everyone will be talking about your wonderful personality and kind nature next week, which is customary at funerals.

Gemini May 21 - June 21
You will combine a pair of novelty underpants and your considerable ventriloquism skills to give a certain special lady the worst first date of her life.

Cancer June 22 - July 22
The stars indicate that they know very well who ate the last of the cottage cheese and would appreciate you replacing it, thank you.

Leo July 23 - August 22
The little black dress is an instant sophisticator—slimming, elegant, and timeless—but you'd be better off going with something flame-resistant this weekend.

Virgo August 23 - September 22
After six weeks, you still haven't figured out how Jonah got so much done inside one of these things.

Libra September 23 - October 23
A team of FDA physicians and researchers will soon come out with a 45-page, item-by-item recall of everything you've eaten in the past six months.

Scorpio October 24 - November 21
Remember: Just because you read it in a book doesn't mean it's true. There's no such thing as a "John Updike."

Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
You will die of dehydration and malnutrition next week, shortly after hitting the snooze button for the 234,734th time.

Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Just because the ambulances go by at high speeds does not mean they want to race you.

Aquarius January 20 - February 18
The nation is stunned by Amelia Earhart's miraculous return, especially when she knees you in the groin and shouts, "Thanks for nothing."

Pisces February 19 - March 20
Your admirable decision to lead a life of honesty and moral rectitude will bring your career in advertising to a sudden and drastic end.

Virgo August 23 - September 22
After six weeks, you still haven't figured out how Jonah got so much done inside one of these things

Wow, so that's why they always gave me dirty looks. And I thought they were just being sore losers.

Leo July 23 - August 22
The little black dress is an instant sophisticator—slimming, elegant, and timeless—but you'd be better off going with something flame-resistant this weekend.

Those are great!

Leo July 23 - August 22
The little black dress is an instant sophisticator—slimming, elegant, and timeless—but you'd be better off going with something flame-resistant this weekend.


wasn't going to wear that dress anyways

(Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Just because the ambulances go by at high speeds does not mean they want to race you.)

You couldnt be more right about me. HEHEHE.

Libra September 23 - October 23
A team of FDA physicians and researchers will soon come out with a 45-page, item-by-item recall of everything you've eaten in the past six months.


CHECK - they've already done that