I wrote this journal entry about 6 months ago about a x of mine, maybe it will help some one out there.
Ive changed alot myself sence I wrote this, so maybe itll help you turn a page.

Well I learned a valuble lessons or 2 today, Ive learned that its impossible to make others love you if you can not love you're self, and that some times no matter how bad you want some thing ultimatelly you cant be the one to allways grab it.
To explain I will use many example in my own live, for instance lets take my x gf, a sweet girl, the kind of girl you would want to spend the rest of you're life with.
Sadly however It most likelly will never happen, as much as you love her strong will and drive they have been turned agianst you.
When she tells you that she just wants to be friends because shes not ready for a relationship, and she wants to accomplish some thing with her life, its like a wave of confusion.
You're happy because she has a drive and she knows what she wants, you love her because Shes honest yeat again and isnt trying to hurt her, you hate her because even though you would do any thing for her it has come time to do the hardest thing.....let go.
You'r so confused and so emotional, that when she tells you, you run and hide and even as you fight to hold back the tears as you're world begains to fall apart, you try to turn it into hate.
However this time is different, this time I cant turn it into hate, all it does is fester like a wound.
The kind of wound the slowly seems to eat away at you all day untill you're exhausted.
She the kind of girl that you want to just grab her kiss her shake her and make her realise that there some one who would give any thing for her standing right infront of her, you cant because you're a gentlemen and you know when to bow out.
This kills you even to think it, it doesnt matter how long or short the relationship its self was, love is instantaneous, it happneds so quickly and quietly that most the time we never notice untill its gone.
She is the kind of girl that you just wish you could tell her how you felt even after you're no longer together, and those casual accedental bump in or touches send a instant wave of emotiosn through you, causing odd spasms making you call her hun or sweety.
These are the kind of things I will deal with daily untill some time soon, when you 2 no longer work together.
Its the kind of thing that even though you will be glad she is gone just to end having to see her every day, part of you will die if you never see her again.
This is the kind of thing that makes a man seem crazy, how so few of us have it happen is amazing.
Women allways talk about wanting to find a man who just loves them for who they are and would do any thing for them, and yeat when they find us....they dont even see it.
Shes the kind of girl, you would wait for, and yeat so eagerly cant wait for the waiting to stop, shes the kind of girl that every time ur alone together you just want to pull her close and kiss her.
Sadly as you cant, because even if she does feel for you too, you told her you wouldnt and you told her you understood, in truth she didnt dump you you let her go.
These are the things that us good guys must live with I soppouse, and for some reason we still cling to hope.
Mine is simple and it will probbaly never happen.
But just one just one time in my life and hers to just let go of all our doubts fears and lower our walls, one of those times when ur least expecting it when ur bolth alone perhaps when you have ur back turned, for her to just say forget it and embrace you to be caught in that moment of a blissfull kiss.
This is what its like to be me at this secound, so much confusion and hopes that some how she will come to her sences and want you back, and yeat you know deep inside because you're the person you are it will most likelly never happen.
But just to be proven wrong one time, and to finally be loved by some one oh what a moment it would be.
I have also learned that such things are built on perspective, just as I feel for her, she may not feel for me.
In such cases as those they hurt even worse esspecially sence you want them so badly.
Other see it in you constantly, you have a glow and yeat inside you are dieing.
they constantly ask you why you are happy, while really you're angry at the whole world.
the whole world around you has become a festering wound in itself, some sort of desease you cant bare.
You wear a smile and yeat you wish you could stay at home and just be alone for a day and cry.
This is what its like to be me forever, trapped inside of a shell of who I formelly was, trapped in despair wanting for some one to let you out, you hide the pain and yeat feel guilt for you're own self pitty.
Because you know others have suffered worse.
But you still feel pitty for ur self, the contant lack of feeling in parts of ur limbs, the way u have to walk with a limp, the way you have to struggle half the time to hide the pain in you're neck each time you move.
The way you hide the scars all over you're body, the way most of all you hide you're shame, and you realise once again just like how you got into this magled body, it has also destroy ed you.
The jealousy the rage, the pure hatred of the world, and most of all love.
While now all at the same time those are the things you want, you want love to be in love and to stop the pain this person and driven into you, you want hate to drive away thoughts of her so you can get by in a day without others wanting to bother and ask you how you feel.
Jealousy, well its funny how it works, in truth all jealousy is a lack fo faith in our selfs, that was my downfall 4 years ago, and even know it still is, she speaks of her friends trying to get her a guy and instantly you want to choke on the cigarett ur smoking.
these words hurt and you feel betrayel and dont know why, she doesnt see it in ur eyes because like every thing else you hide it.
You feel frustration with her because she cant see that you're right there infront of her wanting her to see you in a different way then she does.
you hold back and instead focus on the comedy of her story enough to fake a smile and a laugh, she tells u she hung out withy another guy that night to avoide what happend, this confuses you even more and drives the hate into you're blood.
You hate it simply because it wasnt you she came to, you feel confused because you know that you have no right to think these things any more, and yeat you still do.
This is what it will be like untill Ive learned w/e I am soppoused to from this.
I will learn a valuable lesson on letting go, and perhaps thats the message in it all, perhaps I have held onto things for to long, perhaps it is time to show my scars and let go of the feelings in them.
Maybe just maybe in the end she will one day love you in return, if not then atleast you wont walk away empty handed.

all i have too say is wow