Have you ever been on a blind date where the other person just totally freaked you out? I mean, where you kinda find yourself wondering, what the hell did I do to the butt-head that set me up with this person? And, I'm not talking because they may not be the most attractive person in the place, but you think this blind date setter upper person, might take into consideration some of your likes and interest. Or, is it possible that they truly do believe that opposites attract? Really, match makers, only thing that opposites attract is the attention of people wondering,"How the heck did that happen?"

Okay, I haven't been on a blind date since the original Star Trek episodes. But, I remember it like it was yesterday;

My dad, rest in peace, after mom divorced him, was dating this inbred sweat-hog, that I'll call, "Julie". Because her name is Julie, and if she reads this, I don't want her to be confused. One day, after working hard in the California sun, keeping my Corona cold in the ice chest while soaking my feet in Folsom Lake, Julie asked me if I would like to go on a blind date, with a co-worker of hers. I was like,"No". But after hours of pleading and the effects of the cold Coronas, I finally gave in.

I asked the inbred Julie for a description of this single lady with a job, thinking she can't be too bad. I got the standard,"She's cute with a great personality." Whoa, she did not say that, I thought to myself. So I then asked her for the dimensions of this lady. It went much like this. She has big boobs and is alittle plu....Whoa! how much we talking alittle!? A little in comparison to what? She says,"Well, she's smaller than me." I'm thinking, a Volkswagen beetle is smaller than you, that don't mean I want to be driving it around town.

I don't like knocking on people and I'm abit optimistic and I'd been drinking, so I decided to go along with it. Anyway , I got snookered.

About a week later I came home from a hard day of hanging out at the river, teaching my dog to go lay down next to hot chics sunbathing. He was learning quite well. Unfortunately, he was doing better than me. Most the girls would ask if they could play with or pet him and would wind up swimming with my dog while I watched their stuff for them on shore. Note to self; Get a cat.

Where was I? Oh yea, about a week later I come home and they tell me to get ready we are going out on a date and this lady I agreed to go out with would soon be here. So I went and took a shower, shaved and put on my favorite cologne. I even shined up my grill, so I could confidently flash my charming smile.

About thirty minutes later I hear a car pull up and this rather large egg shaped woman gets out. I didn't own a cat, but my neighbors cat had a definite look of concern and was stanced like a hurdler waiting for the gun to sound. I saw this womans head snap to the right when she caught sight of the poor feline, like a Irish setter about to break out into a full chase. Suddenly, Julie the inbred, called her name, or whistled or something, and the distraction gave the cat a chance to vanish into the bushes.

Trying to be civil,(Thinking, Julie I'm going to hurt you bad) I did all the polite hellos and began to try remembering someplace else I needed to be."Ring phone, damn you! I know something has to be happening that needs my urgent attention!" Excusing myself, I went to the restroom to wash off any traces of my cologne, and searched for something sharp to possibly injure myself accidentally with. No luck, I think they must've hidden everything. I found a Q-tip but couldn't bring myself to puncturing an eardrum.

Anyway, we went to dinner at Sam's Hoffbrau, I think it was do to the buffet style menu. It was nice except when the egg shaped one, insisted on eating her dinner from a bowl, located next to the table, on the floor. Okay, I made that up. But, this girl could put away some roast beef and mashed potato's.

Then the question came up,"Where should we go now?" I tried to say how exhausted I was and would like to call it a night, but everyone insisted on going for a drink. I'm picturing, in my mind, this girl pulling out a bowl with her name on it. I suggested several places that I have never been to before, but Julie the inbred, insisted on going to one of my favorite dives. Stating, they have live music and a big dance floor. I said that I think its Oriental karaoke night there tonight, but was thwarted by the know-it-all inbred. Finding it difficult to twist my ankle, on the way out to the car, I was dragged to my bar of humiliation.

Paying the way into the bar, I could feel the sympathetic eyes of the door guy all over me. I found it easy to hide behind the enormous egg girl and her inbred friend, while they chose a booth seat furthest from the door so we would have to cross the now busy dance floor, lit up with spotlights for all to see. I tried to make a dash for the bar, but good ol' dad proclaimed,"I got the drinks son." I told him to bring me a double shot of goldshlager and a beer. Several good looking women were there that night and I could have danced with any of them, I loved to dance, but suddenly that night I'd forgotten how. I just sat there drinking, hearing the distant blah, blah, blah of the conversation around me. I think I may have responded a time or two but always tried to appear as uninteresting and boring as I possibly could, without forcing my heart to stop beating.

Okay, I felt bad for this huge egg shaped girl too, She was undoubtedly promised by her friend, a great time. But then I'm thinking, what did Julie possibly think that I had in common with this girl, other than the fact that we both had jobs and were single? I mean I'm sure there are alot of single donut bakers or plumbers out there. I go about 180 soakin' wet and I'm pretty conscious about my weight. I asked her what she did for a living and she says,"I plug this thing in on the computers down at the Hewett-Packard plant." Like, what thing and do I look so dense that it would be too difficult for me to grasp the technical part of it?"

Okay ladies, I'm sorry if this all seams, well like I'm a jerk or something. But, I have as I'm sure you do, certain guidelines in choosing the person I intend to be seen with.

1. No gravy stains on their dress.

2. I only have one chin, why would they need two or more?

3. One small tattoo isn't bad, as long as it is not on their face or someplace that only an intimate person might see it.(A girl with more tattoos than me makes me feel like I'm her *****)

4. Don't think I can not grasp the details of your boring job.

5. Don't spend the evening telling me about your boring job.

6. Don't use me to make your old boyfriend or husband jealous.

7. Don't think I will forget that you have a penis if you can make me love you!

8. Don't have a penis.

9. I only go out with women bigger than me if they are carrying my unborn child.

10. No eye, lip, tongue, nipple, clitoris or any other strange piercings.

11. never ask me to refer to your cat or dog as Mr. or Mrs.(Whatever cutsie ass name you gave them)

12. If you got kids, its cool but they ain't borrowing my truck.

Thats just a few guidelines to go by...Have a great day and Careful Dating...

Yea I have encountered a few Blind date Horror stories I will never forget and will be telling my grand children about..lol..
I have learned not to set my expectations so high...

That's a helluva First Post, buddy. At that rate, you won't get to post 100 till sometime in the year 3012....

Good looking out, though, and welcome to JSH/One+You! (=

i think we dated the same woman