I feel guilty for not taking more control over her care when she went to the hospital. I basically allowed the doctors and nurses to abuse her. Although, in truth, I’m sure they wouldn’t have allowed me to take charge anyway. They probably would have just kicked me out if I got too controlling.

I did take some control. For example, the first thing they did was shove a tube down her throat so they could get the oxygen to her lungs. But my mother could take that tube down her throat. She gagged on it real bad, even when they had her sedated. Not only was this uncomfortable for her, but it was a drain one her valuable energy. She’s was 90 years old, and she just didn’t have the energy to be treated like as if she’s a 30 or 40 year old patient.

I did make them remove the tube and use a pressure mask instead. My mother didn’t like that either, but when I told her that it was either the pressure mask or the tube down her throat she accepted the mask.

But even then, the stupid doctors just put this pressure mask on her and would leave her for extended periods of time. I sat next to her in the hospital watching her oxygen levels and removing the make to give her a rest when her oxygen was up, then making her put it back on when they dropped. This is an air-tight mask that actually forces air into her lungs. It’s uncomfortable and drains her energy to be on it constantly.

I actually stabilized her by baby-sitting with her like that. Something the doctors wouldn’t do, nor would they have a nurse do it. Finally, I too became so exhausted I had no choice but to leave to get some sleep. The nurses told me that she had stabilized and that she was resting well without the mask. I left her in their care and drove home with bloodshot eyes.

The next morning I get a call that she’s back in critical condition again. I know it’s because they didn’t monitor her close enough during the night. They allowed her oxygen levels to drop too low.

Maybe she was beyond saving anyway, but I still fell guilty that I couldn’t have been there 24/7 running the show. The thing of it was that my mother was still very alert mentally. So if she could have pulled through that she might have made it for a couple more years, who knows.

The problem is that we just can’t control other people and we don’t have the stamina to do everything ourselves. I feel guilty for not being Superman I guess.

I feel like I let her down.

Can't trust those damned doctors.

Abra,

I am at a loss for words, but I will do my best.

Thank you for sharing that. It touches me personally,
because I have a friend (downstairs where I live) who
is currently taking care of his ailing mother, and has
done for several years. I see on a daily basis, the attention
and care he gives. I see how wearing it is, but I know he
wants to do it. Even though, I hardly know you except
for what you share here, I have NO doubt in my heart
that you did ALL that any loving son could do and more.
I believe SHE would have known that also.

I sincerely hope that you will feel a sense of peace
that you gave her all the love and attention you possibly
could have.

Blessings,

Abra, to your mom you WERE superman. You were a good son.

Yes.....what you did Abra,for your Mom, was touchingly Beautiful.

And Abra...because you are SINCERE in your approach to God, God will ...in time...make all things clear to you.
I truly believe that...with all my heart.