My daughter's husband was an illegal Mexican, was deported before
Thanksgiving, anyway had paid a "coyote" $2,000 to sneak him back into
the U.S. Instead, the "coyote" robbed him and shot him (killed him).
We found out yesterday. My daughter is dealing with it and asked what to
tell the kids, his stepdaughter is 7, and son is 2-1/2. I told her to
tell them he died in a car crash and apare the gorey details, would be
an easier memory. But am concerned about how to help granddaughter deal
with it. She seems somewhat nonchalant at this point, maybe in denial
about it, and I was curious if anyone had any ideas about how to help
her deal with the loss.

This is my first post like this and hope it is not an inappropriate one.
Thanks for your help in advance.

I may not be able to be of any help,but maybe telling her that her dad
is in her heart and with her every day and wonts her to be happy and
that he wonts her to talk with him in her prayers every night because he
will be listening and in someway or somehow ,but maybe not right then he
will let her know that he heard her prayers for him and her conversation
to him.Tell her he is having to help Jesus out and Jesus had some jobs
for him since he is an angel now,but he is with her
evryday,everyminute,and always will be walking with her watching and
taking care of her.I dont know how much this can help but I went through
the same thing trying to get my daughter to realize the same thing,that
her dad dont wont her sad but to be happy like he is ,if shes sad ,hes
sad.He wonts to always see that beautiful smile on her face for her
younger sibbling.It may not help,but I will keep you all in my prayers.
Good Luck. Always Caring,Rose

'ole roughnecks balance the rocks.

Thank you, good idea. I also had someone suggest putting a note on a
helium balloon and releasing it into the sky, like sending him a
message, and maybe planting a tree or plant for him, that kind of thing.

I like your ideas, thank you. Linda.

That was uncalled for,doesnt seem like good advice.

Im was talking about that last reply Linda,thanks glad I could help.

I know, my response was to you SouthernDoll - I do appreciate your
advice. Ignoring the other. Thanks.

gotta do some thinkin'===========

oh crap!!--can't think---too tired--

Marie, I will post my reply,, I need a moment,,, D

Thanks anyway Shadow, totally understand, not much sleep going on around
here these past couple of days. Get some rest. Take care. Linda.

kinda late or shall i say early to ----but ya have good [gotta think]hmm
mornin'

Marie,

I lost my Father when i was 15, my younger brother was 5, (my father was
killed) will go into detail thru email......
At the time of his death my Mother and I told him that his father died
in a car accident,, and we at the time took his shirts and made a quilt
for him,, we also made a scrap book for him to have as he grew so the
memory of his Father was always thier,, As he grew we told him the
truth, and to this day was very thankful for that.... Also making sure
that they are able to attend a viewing if possible or the funeral as to
try to understand that thier Father is gone..... We also instilled in my
brother everyday that his father is always thier,, in thought and heart,
we too planted trees and set off balloons in his memeory,,, you can also
set a web page for him in his memeory i will get that info if you like
it.... I hope this has helped in some way... My heart and soul goes out
to you and your family.... this is not an easy time,,, this i understand
to well,,,, Always here Denise....

why was mine so bad when you knew the answer when u asked?

Thanks Denise - there is no way for them to have a viewing, he was
killed in Mexico, and shot in the head, so will not have any funeral for
them to attend or body for them to view. Would be too hard on them too.
But my daughter has tons of pictures with the him and the kids and she
can do the scrap books for them. The quilt idea is good, we don't know
how to though, would like to learn eventually, that is an idea though.
Maybe as an adult, she will tell them the truth, but right now the car
crash idea seemed less harsh. They are both into "bad guys" now and
Maddy has bad dreams if she watches scary movies, so didn't want to add
to that.

Tone - was just looking for some serious advice, am really concerned
about my granddaughter and wanted some help. Linda.

Marie,
I hope it has helped in some way,,, The quilt can be done if you need
assistance i can make one...... as far as a funeral
a symbolic way ,,, Ideas:: message in a bottle and then placed in the
ocean or some body of water in order to release it, or a message in
order for them to bury in some symbolic way to let them know he is
gone.... just some ideas.....

I know, have been thinking about symbolic ways. Like the balloon ideas,
and planting a bush or tree for him. That kind of thing. Message in a
bottle is a cool idea. He had tons of t-shirts, was his thing, don't
know if my daughter still has all of them, but Maddy sleeps in them
sometimes, etc., and could even make pillows out of some of them by
sewing the arm, neck and bottom shut after stuffing. Appreciate the
offer. Will see what daughter says about this. I am concerned that
Maddy is basically nonchalant about it, so I think she is in denial, but
he has been gone for some time, and maybe the idea of him not ever
coming back has not hit home yet. So want to be prepared with ideas
when it does hit her.
Thanks for the great ideas. Take care, Linda.

Damn, Sorry to here about that Marie and my condolences to your
family....

Personally, I'm one that believes people should know the truth about
everything (especially when it concerns the death of their father), so
they can find the closure in their own way as fast as possible. To me
that seem’s like one of those issues that could haunt them in the future
when they do find out about it. I don't think it would be a great thing
as a teenager to find out that the truth was covered up; having to deal
with trying to find closure on something like that AND your remaining
parent tried to cover it up could raise a huge Trust issue at a bad time
in their life. (I just don't see any good coming from the temporary fix
created by the made up story)

From there (assuming your family is religious), it seems like a great
way to explain life’s journey and the after life.

This will make it easier to go deeper and deeper into the story as the
children get older and they are able to comprehend all the details
surrounding the situation (Religious, Politics, Evil People, etc).

Children are very resilient and how you treat them while you are raising
them prepares them for life or doesn't prepare them for the reality of
life, depending on how they are raised. Again, my deepest and warmest
condolences to you and your family

Thank you Sluggo - you are right, was just grasping at what to tell them
when my daughter asked yesterday. My granddaughter just turned 7 and
has been having nightmares about bad guys and I was concerned this would
make things a lot worse. I am hoping my daughter will hook her up with
some counseling to help too. I understand the trust issue, good point,
Alex is only 2-1/2 so he doesn't understand other than dad has been gone
for a couple of months. Will talk to the social worker at work, and
maybe they have some ideas too.

Thanks for the input everyone, really appreciate this. First time I
have had to go through this with little kids. My daughter's dad drank
himself to death when she was 18, so she was old enough to see and
understand. But these little ones are just babies yet. Thanks again,
take care. Linda.

darn all i said is what^he said just shorter.